Do you ever feel pressured to be the perfect parent? Is perfectionism really what your child needs to thrive?
The answer is no—and here’s why Perfection is Not What Your Child Needs.
British paediatrician Dr Donald Winnicott introduced the term “the good enough mother,” now more commonly referred to as “the good enough parent.” He suggested that children don’t need perfect parents—they need parents who are present, responsive, and human.
“The good-enough mother… starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure.”
— Winnicott, 1953
Let’s explore what it means to be a good enough parent, and why it’s healthier for both you and your child.
What Does It Mean to Be a Good Enough Parent?
The good enough parent understands that perfection is not the goal. Your child doesn’t need flawless parenting, they need loving, consistent care from a real, emotionally available parent.
In today’s world, parenting perfectionism is often glorified, especially on social media. But Winnicott reminds us that perfectionism in parenting is not only unrealistic, but it’s harmful. Striving for perfection creates unnecessary stress and deprives children of important life lessons about resilience and authenticity.
Consider a mother, Lindiwe, who initially felt immense guilt when returning to work after maternity leave. She worried that her absence would damage her bond with her child. However, by creating meaningful routines in the mornings and evenings, Lindiwe maintained connection without overwhelming herself. Her child learned resilience, independence, and felt loved—not because she was present 24/7, but because she was present enough.
It’s natural to question whether “good enough” is settling for less, especially when you’ve sacrificed so much—financially, personally, and professionally—for your child. But being good enough isn’t about settling. It’s about showing up for your child in a sustainable way. Parenting is a journey, not a destination, and it’s perfectly human to have good days and difficult days.
Why Good Enough Parenting Is Better Than Perfect Parenting
Real life is made up of both joys and challenges. Children need to experience this balance to grow into resilient, well-adjusted adults. Perfect parenting creates an illusion that life is always smooth, which can make it difficult for children to cope with disappointments later in life.
Psychological research supports the good enough parenting approach. Dr Brené Brown, a research professor known for her work on vulnerability, notes:
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly, and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”
— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection (2010)
Children raised by good enough parents learn how to manage frustration, recover from mistakes, and build emotional resilience.
When you embrace being a good enough parent, you give your child permission to be human… just like you are. You foster an environment where they learn about effort, mistakes, recovery, and growth. Realistic parenting promotes healthier emotional development, helping your child build self-confidence and self-awareness.
The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism in Parenting
Trying to be a perfect parent isn’t just exhausting, it can be damaging for both you and your child. Here’s why:
1. It’s Physically and Mentally Draining
Parenting perfectionism leaves no room for rest. It’s an endless cycle of trying to meet impossible standards, leading to burnout and chronic stress. It can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and even parental burnout. A 2020 study in Clinical Psychological Science found that parents who chase perfection are at higher risk of depressive symptoms.
2. It Teaches Self-Neglect
When you constantly prioritise perfection, your own basic needs are pushed aside. You might avoid social time, self-care, or simple pleasures out of parent guilt, unintentionally teaching your child that it’s okay to neglect their own needs in relationships.
3. It Creates a Harsh Inner Critic in Your Child
Children absorb how we treat ourselves. If you’re hard on yourself, overly self-critical, or lacking in compassion, your child may grow up internalising the same patterns. Parenting self-compassion fosters resilience—when your child sees you forgiving yourself, they learn to be kinder to themselves too.
How Therapy Helps You Become a Good Enough Parent
Parenting is complex and layered. Balancing your child’s needs with your own well-being can be difficult—especially if you’re also dealing with unresolved issues from your own childhood or current life stresses.
Therapy for parents provides a safe space to process these challenges and develop healthier coping skills. Parenting therapy focuses on helping you be good enough by addressing mental health needs, enhancing emotional well-being, and developing practical parenting skills.
Final Thoughts: Good Enough Really Is Good Enough
You are raising a child in a beautifully imperfect world. Striving for perfection can leave you feeling frustrated and disconnected. Choosing realistic parenting means embracing your humanity and teaching your child to do the same.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
— Leonard Cohen, Anthem
Let go of the myth of perfect parenting. Choose connection, compassion, and being good enough. It’s more than enough…it’s exactly what your child needs.
